Thank you my good man you have hit on just what my problem is, and I am sure I’m not alone. We women you see; are all so desperate to get married, Boris have rumbled us, we were using getting an education as a decoy. We women do go to university simply to get married and you see the problem is – I’ve done my degree, I’m almost at the end of my masters, and still no marriage proposals. Sadly I don’t think, the joking cab driver, who laughingly proposed to me in New York counts, or maybe that was my one chance and I was a fool to turn it down. You see at 21 I thought I was probably a bit young, and he was joking but maybe that was it, and now I’ll have to embrace spinster-dom.
You see Boris; I am very scared. Understandably, nothing, not my 2.1 degree, my journalism training, my university experiences, my travelling, my supportive family, my lovely boyfriend, my great friends, my theatre company, none of these things have adequately prepared me for the real horror, the true horror of being a single female. It’s ghastly, and gosh darn it my clever plan for finding a spouse at university truly backfired.
You see when I was at university I focused on studying and partying. My first year was primarily filled with the later, the next two years focused chiefly on the former. And I learnt some great things: how great Ford, Webster and Middleton are, how cider and white wine don’t mix, how to rent a flat, make a 18th century ball-gown (I did some drama), drive a car, go on a date, make friends and keep the ones that matter…but the boys, well maybe they were onto my clever plan. You see these men would go out on the ‘pull’, use terms like ‘bag a fresher’ and drink until they passed out on any old doorstep.
Maybe the trick I missed was not dragging one of these comatose men into my house and calling the vicar straight away. I know you must be speaking from the best position when you give out martial advice, after all you’re sure a pro at matrimony game and all the faithfulness it involves, Boris my man, but I think we can all agree no one wants to marry a nineteen-year-old boy.
What’s a girl to do?
You think someone in my position might just be more interested in a future career, or perhaps how she’s going to pay the electricity bill… but no that’s so not the case, I’m afraid I’m just too preoccupied with planning a wedding that’s never going to happen, because my university plans of wifedom has not materialised.
So I am really scared, and I am sure that I’m not alone – we girls, just like you, boys, have to pay over £9,000 to go to university now, and what’s the point if you can’t walk away with white dress and a lovely ring…oh yeah and a husband. Don’t give me that stuff and nonsense about the dress robe, cape and hat being just as good – if not more about your individual achievement – it’s not true. We all know we’d rather be in an over priced cream coloured meringue dress, veil and tiara, than anything else on this earth.
Boris you are so right about this. In fact perhaps you could run on this when you attempt to oust Cameron. Please keep telling us how we as women like to be defined by who we live with, and wither we’re single or engaged. Our right to an education, after all who needs that, when we can dream of the blissful marriage that is bound to be ours’. After all the success rate of marriages in the UK, is around 40%, a figure that conservatives think of as a winning average.
So Boris you clever, clever man, now that my masters is at an end, and I’m still sans an engagement ring, what should I do? Abandoned my dastardly plan and go off and get on with my life? Or apply for that PHD and hope that this time around my plan FINALLY works?
A concerned singleton from 1913